Return to Savage Beach begins at KSXY radio where radio disc jockey Ava (Ava Cadell) and Harry the Cat (Kevin Eastman) are observing the launch of a new L.E.T.H.A.L. satellite via a space shuttle. Just minutes after the shuttle launches from the Kennedy Space Center (because we know it only takes minutes to launch and deploy a satellite into deep space), the L.E.T.H.A.L. team is online and observing all bad guy activity.
In another part of the world (Dallas, I think), a super-hot pizza delivery woman (mind you, she’s an under-cover super-hot pizza delivery woman) is putting on her skin tight delivery outfit and is off to deliver pizza and drinks to the L.E.T.H.A.L. headquarters. This super-hot pizza delivery woman manages to get by L.E.T.H.A.L. security by offering FREE pizza and soda (this is PRE-911 so security is relaxed to say the least). Once all the L.E.T.H.A.L. employees are out cold (this is the dumbest bunch of Feds I have ever seen), the super-hot pizza delivery woman steals a floppy disc containing the whereabouts of buried treasure on the island known as Savage Beach.
After the L.E.T.H.A.L. office awakes, all the L.E.T.H.A.L. agents come together in order to figure out what the super-hot pizza delivery woman was after. It seems she wanted access to the Savage Beach files as there’s a possible treasure trove of gold buried somewhere on the island. After the agents scratch their heads, they decide to call in the ‘Warrior’ (Marcus Bagwell) to assist them in the hunt for the treasure. Wait a minute, wasn’t the Warrior the bad guy in the last film, Day of the Warrior (1996)?
First and foremost, the ladies in Return to Savage Beach are gorgeous from head to toe (or should I say tit to ass). Andy Sidaris once again manages to fill the on-screen action with buxom beauties who have no problem what-so-ever getting naked. Along with this are a variety of exciting gun-fights and explosions throughout the production. However, naked beauties, gun-fights and explosions aren’t enough to save Return to Savage Beach from becoming below average B-Movie fodder.
Return to Savage Beach is not Andy Sidaris’ best film. In fact, and from a script point of view, it’s possibly his worst. Let me cite some examples: 1 – A pizza delivery woman would never be allowed to just walk into a high security building. 2 – A highly skilled Federal Agent should be able to hit a target. 3 – No division of Federal Government would allow an international smuggler, bootlegger and murderer to join the good team (if this were the case, Osama Bin Laden would have been on our side long ago). 4 – I don’t care how good you are, you can’t hide a metal file in your G-String. 5 – It takes more than a few minutes to deploy a working satellite into deep space. These of course are only a handful of things that stand out like a sore thumb. The film is riddled with such scenes. So remember when going into this, it’s an Andy Sidaris film.
Return to Savage Beach was written and directed by Andy Sidaris and was produced by Arlene Sidaris. The film was distributed by Malibu Bay Films and was released in 1998. Return to Savage Beach (sometimes referred to as L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach) is a direct sequel to Andy Sidaris’ Day of the Warrior (1996) and was the last film Andy Sidaris would direct. The only newcomer to the cast of Return to Savage Beach (coming off of Day of the Warrior) was Carrie Westcott as Sofia. Carrie previously appeared as Playboy Playmate of the month for September of 1993. Outside of Return to Savage Beach, Carrie’s work on TV and in film has been very limited with only a handful of credits. Gerald Okamura (the martial arts expert) appeared in numerous TV and film roles. Some of these include MacGyver (1985), Big Trouble in Little China (1986), Falcon Crest (1981) and Samurai Cop (1989) to name a few. And although Okamura is a 5th degree black belt in Kung Fu, you’d never know it by watching this film as he’s terrible in the action sequences he appears in. Last but not least, Arlene Sidaris’ mother, Beebe Smillow, can be seen in Return to Savage Beach. She’s the elderly woman who gets drugged by eating pizza at the L.E.T.H.A.L. offices.
You can find out more about Andy Sidaris and his films at the Andy Sidaris Website run by his beautiful wife, Arlene Sidaris. You can also visit my review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii to learn a little more about Andy Sidaris.
Thoughts In My Head:
- Tiger’s tits are ripe melons just waiting to be juiced
- Cobra’s boobs look as big as ever
- What the hell is that, oh, yeah, a floppy-disc
- OMG, The Phantom of the Opera has arrived
- Cobra is quite the package
- Oh, look, it’s the Asian version of KISS
- Both good and bad guys in this film can’t shoot worth a shit
- Umm, ya, I don’t really want to see man-ass
- The mask on Martinez is ridiculous
- “Warrior, take a walk with me’ translates to “Warrior, come fuck me”
- Aren’t ninja’s supposed to be stealthy
- Silk has once again proven herself to be completely worthless
- This is our most important mission yet, so it’s time to get topless and go for a swim
- Ninja’s carry guns, OK…
- If trees were bad guys, these agents would be excellent shots
- Wow, that’s the worst German accent I’ve ever heard
- Now that we’ve saved the world, lets go have sex
- Would 40-year old gasoline still work in an engine
- Cut out all the nudity and soft-core sex scenes and you’d have a 60-minute movie
- Kevin Eastman’s role as Harry the Cat is not needed what-so-ever. He does nothing at all
Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: The Warrior, because he’s so good looking
Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: Tiger, hello…
Favorite Death Scene: The RC Tank death
Boob Count: 13 pair
Body Count: 6
IMDB Rating: 2.8 / 10
My Rating: 2.5 / 10
Final Thoughts: As a fan of B-Movies, I want some degree of realism in the films I watch. I want to be able to believe that what I’m seeing on-screen could possibly happen in the real world, even if that belief is minimal. Return to Savage Beach is riddled with ludicrous plot devices that make it tough for even this very open-mined, amateur, film critic to believe.