Badasses, Boobs and Body Counts

The Plot:
Gamera vs. Guiron (Attack of the Monsters) begins with Akio (Nobuhiro Kajima), Tom (Christopher Murphy) and Tomoko (Miyuki Akiyama) peering into the night sky with their telescope when suddenly they spot something land in the distance. The three kids get on their bicycles and ride towards the landing site and upon arriving see a flying saucer shaped ship. The ship appears friendly enough so both boys climb aboard and accidentally take off while playing with the cockpit controls.

Once in the air, the boys realize that they are not in control of the ship and the ship is headed directly into the path of an asteroid field. Out of nowhere appears Gamera (Gamera is the protector of all children), and at the very last second, Gamera saves the ship and the boys from certain death. Gamera then attempts to turn the ship around in order to get the boys back to Earth, however, the ships power is too much for the flying turtle so it crash lands on an unknown planet.

The boys survive the crash and begin to wonder around (yes, apparently the atmosphere on this planet is breathable). Once inside one of the many installations on the planet, the boys meet two alien women who look exactly like beautiful Japanese women. The aliens explain to the boys why they are there and let them know that when their ship is repaired, they can leave. However, we soon find that the two beautiful Japanese aliens are actually brain eating cannibals. You heard me, brain eating cannibals. Oh, did I mention the planet is inhabited by giant monsters and Guiron is the planets protector?

The Takeaway:
Gamera vs. Guiron aka Attack of the Monsters (U.S. title), is a blast to watch. To be more specific, both the Gamera and Guiron monsters are cheesy as hell and this is exactly what makes the film so much fun. The script is silly beyond belief and it only takes a few minutes once the film starts to realize this. Truth be told, if you sit down to watch this with even an ounce of seriousness, you’ll be severely dissapointed. However, if you sit down knowing what you’re in for, a cheesy good time, you’ll love this film for what it is, a lot of goofy innocent fun. I mean how could you take it serious with Gamera doing his best Mary Lou Retton imitation on the high-bar. With that said, there’s no reason to talk about the film from a filmmaking point of view.

Film Facts:
Gamera vs. Guiron was directed by Noriaki Yuasa, written by Nisan Takahashi, edited by Eli Haviv and was shot by Akira Kitazaki. The film was released in March of 1969 and was picked up by American International Pictures (AIP) for TV distribution in the United States were it went by the name of Attack of the Monsters. Director Noriaki Yuasa has numerous monster movies in his resume but is best known for his seven Gamera films with the last being Gamera: Super Monster (1980). Nisan Takahashi, Eli Haviv and Akira Kitazaki all worked in the business on various different projects with Nisan Takahashi being the busiest of the three. The three kids featured in the film, Nobuhiro Kajima (Akio), Christopher Murphy (Tom) and Miyuki Akiyama (Tomoko) only appeared in this one film.

Thoughts In My Head:
– Getting into an abandoned space ship is bad
– Adults are feeble-minded
– I wish I had a jet-powered flying turtle
– Akio, Tom and Tomoko are incredibly naive, or just plain stupid
– If I ever meet an alien, I want it to be a hot Japanese woman
– Seriously, the adults in this film are fucking stupid
– Never take food from aliens wanting to eat your brain
– Gamera makes Mary Lou Retton look like an amateur
– It’s Hip Hip Hooray, not Hip Hooray you dumbasses

Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: Gamera for using the high-bar
Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: Sorry kids, no boobs in this one
Favorite Death Scene: None, both are uneventful

Boob Count: 0 pair
Body Count: 2

IMDB Rating: 3.2 / 10
My Rating: 4.5 / 10

Final Thoughts: Gamera vs. Guiron is about as cheesy as they come. Yeah, I’ve seen cheesier, but this one is so bad its good and I have to recommend it for that reason alone.