Badasses, Boobs and Body Counts
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The Plot: Return to Savage Beach begins at KSXY radio where radio disc jockey Ava (Ava Cadell) and Harry the Cat (Kevin Eastman) are observing the launch of a new L.E.T.H.A.L. satellite via a space shuttle. Just minutes after the shuttle launches from the Kennedy Space Center (because we know it only takes minutes to launch and deploy a satellite into deep space), the L.E.T.H.A.L. team is online and observing all bad guy activity.
In another part of the world (Dallas, I think), a super-hot pizza delivery woman (mind you, she’s an under-cover super-hot pizza delivery woman) is putting on her skin tight delivery outfit and is off to deliver pizza and drinks to the L.E.T.H.A.L. headquarters. This super-hot pizza delivery woman manages to get by L.E.T.H.A.L. security by offering FREE pizza and soda (this is PRE-911 so security is relaxed to say the least). Once all the L.E.T.H.A.L. employees are out cold (this is the dumbest bunch of Feds I have ever seen), the super-hot pizza delivery woman steals a floppy disc containing the whereabouts of buried treasure on the island known as Savage Beach.
After the L.E.T.H.A.L. office awakes, all the L.E.T.H.A.L. agents come together in order to figure out what the super-hot pizza delivery woman was after. It seems she wanted access to the Savage Beach files as there’s a possible treasure trove of gold buried somewhere on the island. After the agents scratch their heads, they decide to call in the ‘Warrior’ (Marcus Bagwell) to assist them in the hunt for the treasure. Wait a minute, wasn’t the Warrior the bad guy in the last film, Day of the Warrior (1996)?
The Takeaway: First and foremost, the ladies in Return to Savage Beach are gorgeous from head to toe (or should I say tit to ass). Andy Sidaris once again manages to fill the on-screen action with buxom beauties who have no problem what-so-ever getting naked. Along with this are a variety of exciting gun-fights and explosions throughout the production. However, naked beauties, gun-fights and explosions aren’t enough to save Return to Savage Beach from becoming below average B-Movie fodder.
Return to Savage Beach is not Andy Sidaris’ best film. In fact, and from a script point of view, it’s possibly his worst. Let me cite some examples: 1 – A pizza delivery woman would never be allowed to just walk into a high security building. 2 – A highly skilled Federal Agent should be able to hit a target. 3 – No division of Federal Government would allow an international smuggler, bootlegger and murderer to join the good team (if this were the case, Osama Bin Laden would have been on our side long ago). 4 – I don’t care how good you are, you can’t hide a metal file in your G-String. 5 – It takes more than a few minutes to deploy a working satellite into deep space. These of course are only a handful of things that stand out like a sore thumb. The film is riddled with such scenes. So remember when going into this, it’s an Andy Sidaris film.
Film Facts: Return to Savage Beach was written and directed by Andy Sidaris and was produced by Arlene Sidaris. The film was distributed by Malibu Bay Films and was released in 1998. Return to Savage Beach (sometimes referred to as L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies: Return to Savage Beach ) is a direct sequel to Andy Sidaris’ Day of the Warrior (1996) and was the last film Andy Sidaris would direct. The only newcomer to the cast of Return to Savage Beach (coming off of Day of the Warrior ) was Carrie Westcott as Sofia. Carrie previously appeared as Playboy Playmate of the month for September of 1993. Outside of Return to Savage Beach , Carrie’s work on TV and in film has been very limited with only a handful of credits. Gerald Okamura (the martial arts expert) appeared in numerous TV and film roles. Some of these include MacGyver (1985), Big Trouble in Little China (1986), Falcon Crest (1981) and Samurai Cop (1989) to name a few. And although Okamura is a 5th degree black belt in Kung Fu, you’d never know it by watching this film as he’s terrible in the action sequences he appears in. Last but not least, Arlene Sidaris’ mother, Beebe Smillow, can be seen in Return to Savage Beach . She’s the elderly woman who gets drugged by eating pizza at the L.E.T.H.A.L. offices.
You can find out more about Andy Sidaris and his films at the Andy Sidaris Website run by his beautiful wife, Arlene Sidaris. You can also visit my review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii to learn a little more about Andy Sidaris.
Thoughts In My Head: - Tiger’s tits are ripe melons just waiting to be juiced - Cobra’s boobs look as big as ever - What the hell is that, oh, yeah, a floppy-disc - OMG, The Phantom of the Opera has arrived - Cobra is quite the package - Oh, look, it’s the Asian version of KISS - Both good and bad guys in this film can’t shoot worth a shit - Umm, ya, I don’t really want to see man-ass - The mask on Martinez is ridiculous - “Warrior, take a walk with me’ translates to “Warrior, come fuck me” - Aren’t ninja’s supposed to be stealthy - Silk has once again proven herself to be completely worthless - This is our most important mission yet, so it’s time to get topless and go for a swim - Ninja’s carry guns, OK… - If trees were bad guys, these agents would be excellent shots - Wow, that’s the worst German accent I’ve ever heard - Now that we’ve saved the world, lets go have sex - Would 40-year old gasoline still work in an engine - Cut out all the nudity and soft-core sex scenes and you’d have a 60-minute movie - Kevin Eastman’s role as Harry the Cat is not needed what-so-ever. He does nothing at all
Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: The Warrior, because he’s so good looking Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: Tiger, hello… Favorite Death Scene: The RC Tank death
Boob Count: 13 pair Body Count: 6
IMDB Rating: 2.8 / 10 My Rating: 2.5 / 10
Final Thoughts: As a fan of B-Movies, I want some degree of realism in the films I watch. I want to be able to believe that what I’m seeing on-screen could possibly happen in the real world, even if that belief is minimal. Return to Savage Beach is riddled with ludicrous plot devices that make it tough for even this very open-mined, amateur, film critic to believe.
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The Plot: Do or Die begins with Federal Agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) attending a Luau on the islands. During the Luau they’re pulled aside by a thug who introduces them to Masakana Kaneshiro aka Kane aka Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita). As Kane rambles on about putting six teams of hit-men on the girls, his thug plants a bug on Donna’s wristwatch allowing him to track her whereabouts at all times (unless of course she decides to change her watch as women often do when changing clothes).
After the girls narrowly escape the first team of assassins, it’s off to Las Vegas to meet with an agency associate. The girls arrive at the Quarter Scale Association Air Show (a model airplane show held in the Las Vegas desert) and meet up with an associate who gives them a very special deadly weapon, an RC helicopter armed with missiles. Once the helicopter is neatly packed away, the girls head off (and again, narrowly escape death from a second assassin team) to meet the rest of the agency members.
Once the agency team assembles in Louisiana, we learn that Mr. Miyagi’s plan is to control the American Stock Market by killing Federal Agents (OK, I’m not sure how one controls the stock market by doing this, but I’ll go with it). Back in Louisiana, more teams of assassins arrive only to die attempting to kill the large breasted agency girls. At this point, the team is off to subdue Mr. Miyagi so he never again gets out of control (thank God, I was worried for the stock market).
The Takeaway: I’ll get right to the point, Do or Die isn’t a very good film in terms of plot or subtext. The plot is paper thin and unlike many of Sidaris’ earlier films, there are no real twists or turns to be had. In short, Do or Die is very linear in nature. Technically speaking, Do or Die is one of Sidaris’ better films as it moves along at a nice steady pace and is edited to near perfection. There are two scenes that stand out as near ‘art’. The first is the pool scene with Donna (Speir) and Estevez (Estrada). Sidaris directs this scene to near perfection as the colors and reflections of the water lend the scene to Picasso-like art. The second scene is with Shane (Shane) and Atlanta (Stephanie Schick aka Pandora Peaks). While these two simply remove their clothes and make love under a waterfall, Sidaris uses the waterfall to his advantage and slows down the speed of the camera capturing the moment in a surreal way.
Film Facts: Do or Die was written and directed by Andy Sidaris and was produced by Arlene Sidaris. The film was distributed by Malibu Bay Films and was released in 1991. Erik Estrada first appeared in films such as The Cross and the Switchblade (1970), Chrome and Hot Leather (1971) and The Ballad of Billie Blue (1972). In the mid-70s Estrada moved to a TV career and made appearances in shows such as Hawaii Five-O , Emergency and Kojak . Estrada soon landed the role of Officer Francis Llewellyn Poncherello in TVs C.H.I.P.S. , where he played a CHP officer. C.H.I.P.S. ran for 6 years and was cancelled in 1983.
The stunningly beautiful Ava Cadell (Ava) appeared in films such as The Ups and Downs of a Handyman (1975), Spaced Out (1979) and Commando (1985). Dr. Ava Cadell is currently a practicing sex therapist who has authored numerous books on the subject and can be heard on her own radio show ‘Sex Drive’ (FYI – she gets naked in Do or Die and looks stunning). The other beauty in Do or Die is Stephanie Schick aka Pandora Peaks (that’s right, the bigger the better) . Although now retired from the adult entertainment industry, Peaks posed for over 100 adult magazines in her day and also appeared in the Demi Moore driven Striptease (1996) as stripper Urbanna Sprawl. And I must say, her peaks are the peak of Do or Die .
Thoughts In My Head: - If you want someone dead, just kill them on the spot - Awesome, Nicole’s walking cane doubles as a missile launcher - Edy, please stop singing, no, seriously - Oh my, the new agent has HUGE delicious boobs - This new girl is gonna knock herself out running - Mr. Miyagi gets a happy ending massage, simply awesome - Screw the security watch, lets fuck - Don’t you have to take your pants off to have intercourse - Baseball bombs, only in an Andy Sidaris film - Who cares about standing watch, lemme have a look at those watermelons - I love 80s hair styles - That’s it, nail her in the pool Poncherello - Mr. Miyagi’s choice in assassins is terrible - How convenient, a baseball bat in the middle of the woods, OK… - Death by RC helicopter is the only way to go
Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: The use of the missile equipped RC helicopter Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: It’s a tie! Both Ava and Atlanta’s boobs are delicious Favorite Death Scene: The ninjas. After all, they’re at the receiving end of missile equipped RC helicopter
Boob Count: 14 pair Body Count: 14
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10 My Rating: 4.5 / 10
Final Thoughts: Despite the paper thin plot, Do or Die works for a couple of reasons, Ava and Atlanta’s boobs, the missile equipped RC helicopter and the fact that this schlocky action oriented film is pure b-movie entertainment.
S1E5 is.gd/xC1zU4 #GetGlue #xfiles 6 hours ago
RT @ TheJesseb83 : 4 rum and cokes, and a bottle of beer keeping the demons at bay. 6 hours ago
@ ddellamorte it's a far better film, but I like the Stallone film for its awefulness 6 hours ago
@ ddellamorte see, haha - have you seen the new one? 6 hours ago
@ ddellamorte naw, sit back and soak up the cheesiness, it's awesome! 6 hours ago
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