Badasses, Boobs and Body Counts
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The Plot: Malibu Express begins when private investigator Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton) gets a call from the Government Intelligence Group to investigate some socialites whom are entangled with a group illegally selling computer technologies to the Russians. Once Cody arrives, we’re introduced to Contessa Luciana (Sybil Danning) whom is Cody’s liaison. After welcoming Cody, the two get very comfortable with each other and hop in bed for some sex.
The following morning Cody heads to the Chamberlain residents where he’s to carefully investigate the family and its hidden secrets. During his stay he finds the Chamberlains’ chauffeur, Shane (Brett Clark), sleeping with literally every woman in the house, with the exception of the elder Lady Chamberlain. Shane is not only dipping his fun-stick into the grape flavored kool-aid, but he’s also recording his love sessions with hidden video cameras.
One evening after one such recorded session, Shane is confronted by a masked-killer with a gun. This masked-killer shoots Shane, killing him, and then proceeds to take some nudie photos and a tape that was locked away in a dresser drawer. The following morning Shane’s body is found by Cody and the game is afoot as Cody dives head first into the mess he’s gotten himself into.
The Takeaway: As is par for the course, this Andy Sidaris production is all over the place in terms of story. With so many sub-plots in Andy’s scripts I often wonder how he doesn’t over-look things. Yet at the end of every film, every single sub-plot gets tied up and resolved. This is one of the things I love about Andy’s films. No matter how complex or questionable they first appear, everything gets resolved, even if the resolve is silly or unbelievable. Malibu Express is no different in terms of plot twists and turns. The story at times is complex but it all comes together in the end.
The other thing I love about Andy is, he has no issues whatsoever exploiting the women in his films (at least it appears so in Malibu Express ). He does so with grace and style never making his performers feel less than what they are. Besides, if you’re a former Playboy Playmate and sign on to appear in an Andy Sidaris production, then you likely knew you were going to get naked at some point or another. As far as the film goes, I really enjoyed Malibu Express . The script is believable (well, to a point) and it throws a lot less one-liners at you if compared to his later productions. And while you can’t take the story too seriously, there are a few very funny moments throughout the film (scenes or one-liners if you will) that should have you laughing at Cody (Darby Hinton).
Film Facts: Malibu Express was written, produced and directed by Andy Sidaris. The film was shot in and around Beverly Hills, Willow Springs Raceway in Los Angeles and parts of the Mojave Desert. It was distributed by Universal Studios and released in March of 1985. The leading man, Darby Hinton, was no stranger to the business as he appeared in 110 episodes in the popular TV series Daniel Boone (1964-1970 as a child actor). Along with his stunning good looks, his performance in Malibu Express is more then serviceable. Hinton also appeared in several different TV series throughout 70s and 80s and in Greydon Clark’s Wacko (1982). Malibu Express also features a variety of beautiful girls, most of which were Playboy Playmates. Kimberly McArthur (Jan 1982), Barbara Edwards (Sept 1983), Lorraine Michaels (Apr 1981), and Lynda Wiesmeier (July 1982). It also featured B-movie actress Sybil Danning. Needless to say, the above mentioned performers all get naked (or topless) at one point or another presenting the viewer with an orgy of boobs throughout the entire run of the film.
You can find out more about Andy Sidaris and his films at the Andy Sidaris Website run by his beautiful wife, Arlene Sidaris. You can also visit my review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii to learn a little more about Andy Sidaris.
Thoughts In My Head: - I love boobs, tight shorts and camel-toe - Umm, can your jeans be any tighter Cody - The maid could double as Rapunzel with that hair - The thugs are named after gospels, Matthew, Mark and Luke, OK… - A topless used car dealer in the middle of a desert? I love Andy Sidaris - Wow, there are so many naked women in this film - “Make my day” are you serious? - Shit, Cody gets more ass than a public toilet
Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: Cody, for just looking so damned sexy Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: The shower scene on Cody’s boat Favorite Death Scene: Shane. This guy was a prick and treated women like dirt
Boob Count: 22 pair Body Count: 5
IMDB Rating: 3.2 / 10 My Rating: 4.5 / 10
Final Thoughts: Although my rating for Malibu Express is just below average, I love the film for a variety of different reasons. Andy Sidaris manages to throw plenty of hot naked women at you while giving you action scene after action scene all wrapped around a silly, yet, entertaining story.
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The Plot: Satan’s Cheerleaders begins with a group of young teens on the beach playing tag football. The girls, Debbie (Alisa Powell), Sharon (Sherry Marks), Chris (Hillary Horan) and Patti (Kerry Sherman) are all four cheerleaders for the Benedict High School football team. Ms. Johnson (Jacqulin Cole), the schools physical education teacher is there as well as a sort of an escort for the girls. Thirty minutes later, and after much viewer boredom, the cheerleaders, along with Ms. Johnson, are off to the game to support the team. On the way to the game their car runs off the road and breaks down. Luckily for the girls they’re picked up by the school’s janitor, Billy (Jack Kruschen). Little do the girls know, Billy is a member of a satanic cult and earlier cursed the girls clothes in the locker room.
Billy loads the girls in the back of the truck and heads towards the cults sacrificial grounds as he intends on making Patti his ‘own’. Upon arriving at the alter, in the middle of the woods no less, Patti falls into a trance and disrobes climbing onto the alter. The rest of the girls and Ms. Johnson go into some sort of trance as well as they just stand there doing nothing about the event. As the wind begins to blow and the ‘goats head’ located above the alter begins to shake, Patti is now being raped by an unseen entity and when Billy approaches her for some action, he’s killed by that unseen force. After this incident, the girls and Ms.Johnson find the sheriff to report the death of Billy. Little do they know, the whole backwoods community. including the sheriff, are part of the cult and are after them for their evening sacrifice.
After the girls find out about the sheriff and what his intentions are, they run off in different directions attempting to escape. The sheriff mounts his search party (comprised of cult members in brown robes) and heads off after the girls as he needs Patti for his sacrificial lamb. Once the sheriff rounds all the girls up, including Ms. Johnson, he heads to the ritual alter and tries to get Patti to begin the ceremony. Patti, however, has something else in mind for the Sheriff, his wife and the rest of the brown-robed cultist group.
The Takeaway: “Audi Precas Meaya, Satana Blessed Be” (Audi Precas Meaya, Satana, roughly translates to “Hear my prayers, Satan”). This term is heard quite often during Satan’s Cheerleaders as it’s the mantra for the so-called cult. While Satanism doesn’t advocate human sacrifices, let alone abduction for sacrificing, Satan’s Cheerleaders uses them both as a means to move the film along. As far as the film goes, director Greydon Clark seems to know what he’s doing as the film is shot rather well and even edited nicely with the exception of a blooper or two. What hurts the film most is the lack of experience the cast brings to the production. I’m referring to the cheerleaders themselves and not the Hollywood “has-beens” that Clark put together to fill out the remainder of his cast. To put it more bluntly, the performances in Satan’s Cheerleaders aren’t very good. To be more specific, the physical education teacher (Cole) and the sheriff (Ireland) are the worst. The rest of the cast is no better though as worthless dialogue is thrown back and forth with pauses between lines spoken. The one saving grace to the cast is a cameo by John Carradine. Carradine plays a broken down old man living in the woods and is only seen in two scenes (both short). I guess even at his age he needed to work to put food on the table, though he couldn’t have been paid much, but it’s always nice to see the old guy on-screen as he tends to pick the film up a bit.
The real highlight of Satan’s Cheerleaders is the all girl cast (the cheerleaders). Four hot cheerleaders and even hotter teacher go a long way in my book. Sadly, though, there’s little nudity throughout the film. In an early shower scene we get to see Patti’s little lovely boobs and the rest of the girls asses. We’re then teased through the rest of the film when all the girls go bra-less in their cute little cheerleader outfits. This is a good thing guys, as a couple of the gals have what appear to be very nice boobies. Honestly, I think Greydon should have exploited the girls a bit more as it would have made the film more tolerable. Guess you can’t have everything.
Satan’s Cheerleaders , While fun to watch, is a tad slow in terms of pace. Only Patti shows her boobs and there are literally only three deaths in the film. Sure, the 70′s fashions and life-styles add to the films charm, but they don’t help the poor script and or the slow pace. What Satan’s Cheerleaders really is, is an attempt at comedy/horror with mixed results. I do own the film on DVD but it’s not something I watch often. In fact, It’s been at least 10-years since I viewed it last which says something about my taste, or the film as a whole.
Film Facts: Satan’s Cheerleaders was written and directed by Greydon Clark . According to the IMDB (we know it’s not real accurate) Satan’s Cheerleaders was Clarks’ third directorial film. He would go onto direct 17 other films afterwards none which were very successful. While the female actresses in Satan’s Cheerleaders were mostly unknown, there are others in the film that were once Hollywood heavyweights. John Ireland as the Sheriff was an Oscar nominee for best supporting actor in All The Kings Men (1949). Yvonne De Carlo, the sheriffs wife/High Priestess, appeared in numerous roles but was best known for her role as Lilly, the wife of Hermen Munster in the smash TV series The Munsters . Jack Kruschen as Billy the janitor was also nominated for an Oscar in a best supporting role for the film The Apartment (1960). And of course there’s John Carradine as the bum. John appeared in well over 300 films and worked until the day he died in 1988. Some of the films he appeared in were The Invisible Man (1933), The Black Cat (1934), Bride of Frankenstein (1934) and The Grapes of Wrath (1940) just to name a few. John was also the father of David, Keith, Chris and Robert Carradine, all whom ended up working in the business.
You can find out more about Greydon Clark and his other films by visiting his website .
Favorite Badass Moment: Billy the janitor for avoiding death so often Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: Patti in the shower Favorite Death Scene: The High Priestess getting killed by attack dogs
Boob Count: 2 pair Body Count: 3 (4 if you count Billy’s second death)
IMDB Rating: 3.1 / 10 My Rating: 4.5 / 10
Final Thoughts: Satan’s Cheerleaders is a fun, yet somewhat dated film. However, it’s well worth a look if for nothing more than the four girls featured in the film.
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