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The Dallas Connection (1994)

Posted by Mike on June 24, 2012
Posted in: Boobs . Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 1 Comment

The Plot:
The Dallas Connection begins with a series of killings located in different countries around the world. We quickly learn that the men being targeted were to converge with each other at a scientific symposium in Dallas. The ladies doing the killings all have radios in which they communicate back to HQ after each death. And for some reason or another (you find out later), they video record each assassination.

Back in Dallas, a meeting is held at the agency where we learn about International World Arms Removal (IWAR). IWAR is a high-tech satellite project which detects everything from small arms movements, to full-blown weapons of mass destruction. What makes IWAR so different is its ability to see through the most severe weather conditions. We also learn that scientist Antonio Morales (Rodrigo Obregon) is headed to Dallas and needs to be protected as he is the key to getting IWAR online.

Once Morales arrives in Dallas, Agent Samantha Maxx (Samantha Phillips) is assigned to protect him. After her assignment begins, they’re off to watch the horse races and have a nice expensive dinner where Morals fantasizes about Maxx, whom nearly has sex with herself at the dinner table. Shortly after this (once Morales comes out of his daydream), the story begins to unfold and we see that Morales isn’t who he appears to be, so the “almost always naked” Federal Agents have to figure a way to stop Morales.

The Takeaway:
I rather enjoyed The Dallas Connection . I can’t exactly put my finger on why I enjoyed it so much, I just know that when the film came to an end, I wrote in my notes ‘I like this film’. It’s not a whole lot different than previous Sidaris productions where half dressed big breasted Federal Agents run around shooting at everything that moves. So that’s not it. Maybe it was how the film ended (which I won’t give away). While most of Sidaris’ films end with the bad guys losing (and this one is no different), I think I was genuinely thrown for a loop in terms of how one particular character was written into the script. I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t, therefore I have to give credit to Christian Drew Sidaris for his writing talent in this particular production.

Film Facts:
The Dallas Connection was written and directed by Christian Drew Sidaris (son of Andy Sidaris) and was produced by Andy and Arlene Sidaris. It was distributed by Malibu Bay Films and was released in October of 1994. Christian Drew Sidaris had previously directed Enemy Gold (1993) and played second unit director to all of his fathers previous films. The Dallas Connection stars several former Playboy and Penthouse models including Julie Strain as Black Widow (Penthouse Pet of the month for June of 1991). Samantha Phillips as Samantha Maxx (Penthouse Pet of the month for June of 1993 – also a stunningly beautiful woman). Julie K. Smith as Cobra (Penthouse Pet of the month for February of 1993) and Wendy Hamilton as Scorpion (Playboy Playmate of the month for December of 1991).

You can find out more about Andy Sidaris and his films at the Andy Sidaris Website run by his beautiful wife, Arlene Sidaris. You can also visit my review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii to learn a little more about Andy Sidaris.

Thoughts In My Head:
– Nothing like boobs and bondage to start a Sidaris production
– Do the Chinese really play golf
– Exploding golf balls, oh my…
– When I die, I want to cum and go at the same time
– I thought all Asians had martial art skills, guess I was wrong
– I’ve come to the conclusion that Julie Strain can’t act (but she looks amazing)
– Now that the agents have their missions, it’s off to drink and have sex with each other
– Is talking on your super-spy radio in ‘open public’ a smart thing to do
– A pink wet suit on a man just doesn’t look right
– “my mind is a blank” consider the source buddy
– LOL, the super-spy radio’s are Sony Walkman’s
– “should have read your fortune cookie” says the white man to the Asian (ouch)
– Cobra has fabulous boobies

Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: Black Widow, she fucks’em then kills’em
Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: Cobra, she has massive boobs for such a small-framed gal
Favorite Death Scene: The RC car/jeep explosion (deadly toys are always a plus)

Boob Count: 13 pair
Body Count: 11

IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
My Rating: 5.0 / 10

Final Thoughts: Christian Drew Sidaris showed signs of improvement over his last film entry, Enemy Gold (1993). The Dallas Connection is slightly better in terms of production, pace and story, therefore making it a slightly more enjoyable film. One I can say I’ll revisit at a later time.

Day of the Warrior (1996)

Posted by Mike on June 20, 2012
Posted in: Boobs . Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

The Plot:
Day of the Warrior begins when Tiger (Shae Marks) discovers someone has hacked into the L.E.T.H.A.L. (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law) computer database to steal a list of all the Agency’s top undercover agents. Tiger quickly makes her way to Willow Black’s office (Julie Strain) to inform the boss-lady of what just happened.

After Tiger and Black’s meeting, we’re taken elsewhere and introduced to a powerful criminal named “Warrior” (Marcus Bagwell). It seems that Warrior is into all sorts of criminal activities such as stolen diamonds, jewelry, terribly bad looking gold Mayan art pieces and the illegal practices of pirated pornography. Mildly put, he’s an all-around bad guy who is feared by all who meet him. He also dresses like a Native-American Indian wrestler.

Now that the undercover Federal Agents identities are at risk, Tiger and Black hit the road in an attempt to save Cobra (Julie K. Smith), Shark (Darren Wise) and Scorpion (Tammy Parks) before the Warrior gets to them himself. Will the war painted, greased up, steroid induced, Warrior kill the agents? Or will the L.E.T.H.A.L. ladies prevail once again?

The Takeaway:
Let me get the bad out of the way so I can close this section of the review on a positive note. Day of the Warrior is a film that covers a lot of ground in a short amount of time. The multiple plot-lines and subtext are difficult to follow since the film jumps from scene to scene so often. This hurts the film on many different levels as the viewer isn’t able to attached themselves to any of the characters and is often times left wondering what just happened and why. As for me, this lead me to lose focus quickly and to look at how much time was left in the film quite frequently (not a good thing).

On the up-side of things, there are plenty of gorgeous women in the film who all get naked or topless at one point or another. In fact, I’d say that Day of the Warrior manages to have the best looking line-up in any Andy Sidaris film in terms of beautiful buxom women. This is quite the achievement considering the line-up Sidaris puts in front of us in his earlier films. Another note-worthy mention are the actors portraying the hit-men. Both Richard Cansino (J.P.) and Cassidy Phillips (Chaz) are hilarious and have excellent chemistry when on-screen together. Well done gentlemen.

Film Facts:
Day of the Warrior was written and directed by Andy Sidaris and was produced by Arlene Sidaris. The film was distributed by Malibu Bay Films and was released in 1996. Day of the Warrior put Andy Sidaris back in the directors chair after a 3-year layoff. Sidaris cast former pro-wrestler Marcus Bagwell (aka Buff Bagwell) as the lead villain. Bagwell is best known for his World Championship Wrestling between the years 1991 and 2001, where he was World Tag Team Champion 5 times running. New to the Andy Sidaris line-up was Julie K. Smith. Smith appeared in a few minor roles prior to Day of the Warrior and became a staple of the soft-core porn industry in the late 90s. Shae Marks was Playboy Playmate of the Month for May 1994 (look her up guys, she’s a stunning beauty). Raye Hollitt was a female body builder and is best known for her stint on the TV show American Gladiators 1989 – 1996 (you may know Hollitt by her stage name, ZAP).

You can find out more about Andy Sidaris and his films at the Andy Sidaris Website run by his beautiful wife, Arlene Sidaris. You can also visit my review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii to learn a little more about Andy Sidaris.

Thoughts In My Head:
– I really want to work in this Federal office
– This is the breast Andy Sidaris film yet
– The Warrior has amazing hair
– Tiger is super HOT!
– The two worthless hit-men are pure gold in my book
– Never cast a short male Asian actor next to a 6’1 amazonian Julie Strain
– Zebra skin leggings, haha, awesome
– This plot is terribly convoluted
– The Warrior is a terrible villain
– Why is Cobra in the shower with a bikini on
– One hour in and no plot devises are paying off yet
– Is Kym a man
– Yuck, Kym and the Warrior are making love. I can’t tell who the man is
– Jordon’s Aussie accent is horrible
– You guys didn’t SEE or HEAR that back-hoe coming a mile away
– The Warrior is really greasy
– 20 minutes left…
– Rewinds DVD to see Tiger naked again
– This wrestling match is literally ridiculous
– This is the longest gun-fight ever
– 6 minutes left

Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: The Warrior, his appearance is so ridiculous, its badass
Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: Tiger, wow what a set this woman has!
Favorite Death Scene: None, honestly, nothing really stands out

Boob Count: 11 pair
Body Count: 11

IMDB Rating: 2.5 / 10
My Rating: 3.0 / 10

Final Thoughts: Day of the Warrior does have its moments, however, it’s slow pace and confusing story may not be worth all the beautiful nude women Andy Sidaris includes throughout the run of the film.

Do or Die (1991)

Posted by Mike on June 11, 2012
Posted in: Boobs . Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 8 Comments

The Plot:
Do or Die begins with Federal Agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole (Roberta Vasquez) attending a Luau on the islands. During the Luau they’re pulled aside by a thug who introduces them to Masakana Kaneshiro aka Kane aka Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita). As Kane rambles on about putting six teams of hit-men on the girls, his thug plants a bug on Donna’s wristwatch allowing him to track her whereabouts at all times (unless of course she decides to change her watch as women often do when changing clothes).

After the girls narrowly escape the first team of assassins, it’s off to Las Vegas to meet with an agency associate. The girls arrive at the Quarter Scale Association Air Show (a model airplane show held in the Las Vegas desert) and meet up with an associate who gives them a very special deadly weapon, an RC helicopter armed with missiles. Once the helicopter is neatly packed away, the girls head off (and again, narrowly escape death from a second assassin team) to meet the rest of the agency members.

Once the agency team assembles in Louisiana, we learn that Mr. Miyagi’s plan is to control the American Stock Market by killing Federal Agents (OK, I’m not sure how one controls the stock market by doing this, but I’ll go with it). Back in Louisiana, more teams of assassins arrive only to die attempting to kill the large breasted agency girls. At this point, the team is off to subdue Mr. Miyagi so he never again gets out of control (thank God, I was worried for the stock market).

The Takeaway:
I’ll get right to the point, Do or Die isn’t a very good film in terms of plot or subtext. The plot is paper thin and unlike many of Sidaris’ earlier films, there are no real twists or turns to be had. In short, Do or Die is very linear in nature. Technically speaking, Do or Die is one of Sidaris’ better films as it moves along at a nice steady pace and is edited to near perfection. There are two scenes that stand out as near ‘art’. The first is the pool scene with Donna (Speir) and Estevez (Estrada). Sidaris directs this scene to near perfection as the colors and reflections of the water lend the scene to Picasso-like art. The second scene is with Shane (Shane) and Atlanta (Stephanie Schick aka Pandora Peaks). While these two simply remove their clothes and make love under a waterfall, Sidaris uses the waterfall to his advantage and slows down the speed of the camera capturing the moment in a surreal way.

Film Facts:
Do or Die was written and directed by Andy Sidaris and was produced by Arlene Sidaris. The film was distributed by Malibu Bay Films and was released in 1991. Erik Estrada first appeared in films such as The Cross and the Switchblade (1970), Chrome and Hot Leather (1971) and The Ballad of Billie Blue (1972). In the mid-70s Estrada moved to a TV career and made appearances in shows such as Hawaii Five-O , Emergency and Kojak . Estrada soon landed the role of Officer Francis Llewellyn Poncherello in TVs C.H.I.P.S. , where he played a CHP officer. C.H.I.P.S. ran for 6 years and was cancelled in 1983.

The stunningly beautiful Ava Cadell (Ava) appeared in films such as The Ups and Downs of a Handyman (1975), Spaced Out (1979) and Commando (1985). Dr. Ava Cadell is currently a practicing sex therapist who has authored numerous books on the subject and can be heard on her own radio show ‘Sex Drive’ (FYI – she gets naked in Do or Die and looks stunning). The other beauty in Do or Die is Stephanie Schick aka Pandora Peaks (that’s right, the bigger the better) . Although now retired from the adult entertainment industry, Peaks posed for over 100 adult magazines in her day and also appeared in the Demi Moore driven Striptease (1996) as stripper Urbanna Sprawl. And I must say, her peaks are the peak of Do or Die .

You can find out more about Andy Sidaris and his films at the Andy Sidaris Website run by his beautiful wife, Arlene Sidaris. You can also visit my review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii to learn a little more about Andy Sidaris.

Thoughts In My Head:
– If you want someone dead, just kill them on the spot
– Awesome, Nicole’s walking cane doubles as a missile launcher
– Edy, please stop singing, no, seriously
– Oh my, the new agent has HUGE delicious boobs
– This new girl is gonna knock herself out running
– Mr. Miyagi gets a happy ending massage, simply awesome
– Screw the security watch, lets fuck
– Don’t you have to take your pants off to have intercourse
– Baseball bombs, only in an Andy Sidaris film
– Who cares about standing watch, lemme have a look at those watermelons
– I love 80s hair styles
– That’s it, nail her in the pool Poncherello
– Mr. Miyagi’s choice in assassins is terrible
– How convenient, a baseball bat in the middle of the woods, OK…
– Death by RC helicopter is the only way to go

Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: The use of the missile equipped RC helicopter
Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: It’s a tie! Both Ava and Atlanta’s boobs are delicious
Favorite Death Scene: The ninjas. After all, they’re at the receiving end of missile equipped RC helicopter

Boob Count: 14 pair
Body Count: 14

IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
My Rating: 4.5 / 10

Final Thoughts: Despite the paper thin plot, Do or Die works for a couple of reasons, Ava and Atlanta’s boobs, the missile equipped RC helicopter and the fact that this schlocky action oriented film is pure b-movie entertainment.

Guns (1990)

Posted by Mike on June 7, 2012
Posted in: Boobs . Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 6 Comments

The Plot:
Guns begins with black market weapons dealer Juan Degas aka Jack of Diamonds (Erik Estrada) meeting with a gun supplier from China. After testing a new revolutionary gun, Degas agrees to purchase a bulk of the weapons and plans on smuggling them to the mainland through Hawaii. However, the islands are crawling with Federal Agents so Degas devices a plan to get the agents off the island so he can smuggle his new guns without interference.

Degas then hires two high-tech hit-men to kill key agent Nicole (Roberta Vasquez), but the hit-men mistakenly eliminate the wrong woman. Degas then gives the hit-men a second chance and the two saboteurs finally lure the agents off the island as they chase them to Las Vegas in an attempt to catch them. Once in Vegas, the story begins to unfold as both Donna (Dona Speir) and Nicole figure out that Degas is behind all the craziness.

We’re then introduced to political figure Kathryn Hamilton (Phyllis Davis) as she gives a direct, specific, order, to Donna on how to handle the situation moving forward. We also learn that Kathryn is Donna’s mother. Shorty after this, Degas abducts Kathryn and things turn personal for Donna as she makes it her business to see the safe return of her mother.

The Takeaway:
Unlike Malibu Express (1985), Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987), Picasso Trigger (1988) and Savage Beach (1989), Guns is a very linear film with very few sub-plots to follow. While this makes it an easy film to watch (you know, put the film in and turn the brain off), it does make for a much less interesting film. As far as direction, editing and pacing go, Sidaris does a serviceable job and delivers plenty of action. However, I’m of the opinion that the film is uneven and carries a weak cast thus lending it to one of Sidaris’ weakest films. As far as performances go, and I’m referring to bad guy Erik Estrada, his ability to perform as a bad guy in the film hurts it. I believe that Danny Trejo could have easily filled Estrada’s shoes in this role and would have been the better choice. And while the rest of the cast turn in average performances at best, Roberta Vasquez as Nicole often struggles and looks uncomfortable in front of the camera.

Film Facts:
Guns was written and directed by Andy Sidaris and was produced by Arlene Sidaris. It was filmed in and around the Hawaiian Islands and parts of Las Vegas. Guns was distributed by Malibu Bay Films and was released in 1990. Erik Estrada, to this day has been a very busy performer. Most of his appearances have been in guest spots for TV and B movies. He is of course best known for his role of ‘Poncherello’ on the TV series C.H.I.P.S. in which he appeared in 139 episodes (1977-1983). Surprisingly enough, the biggest name to come out of Guns was Danny Trejo. Trejo has appeared in over 225 roles/titles to date and can be seen in hits such as From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), Machete (2010) and Grindhouse (2007) just to name a few.

You can find out more about Andy Sidaris and his films at the Andy Sidaris Website run by his beautiful wife, Arlene Sidaris. You can also visit my review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii to learn a little more about Andy Sidaris.

Thoughts In My Head:
– If you have nice tits, you’re a shoe-in for your own Vegas show
– 30 minutes in and no boobs, for shame
– BOOBS!
– Does oil wrestling really need a judge
– Degas’ gold smoking jacket is magnificent
– Erik Estrada’s hair is just amazing. It’s so silky smooth
– Not one Federal Agent in this film is ever fully dressed
– Do acts like Edy’s really exist in Vegas?
– Ninja’s, really now…
– Hit-men should never have to cross-dress
– RC boats and bombs are a deadly combination for some
– Never thought I’d say this, but I miss Taryn as Donna’s partner
– Despite her lack of talent, Edy is hot!

Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: Tong (Danny Trejo), for being a steadfast side-kick to Degas
Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: Edy, she’s HOT!
Favorite Death Scene: Degas, what an explosion!

Boob Count: 7 pair
Body Count: 16

IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10
My Rating: 3.5 / 10

Final Thoughts: Guns is possibly the low-point in the Andy Sidaris film collection. It’s somewhat uneven and performances from the cast are average at best. But despite my low rating for the film (what can I say, I’m a fan of Andy Sidaris and B movies in general), I think it’s a fun romp that should be viewed with your brain turned off. Just don’t start with Guns if you’re wanting to explore the Andy Sidaris film collection as it may turn you off to the rest of his films (which are much better than this).

Picasso Trigger (1988)

Posted by Mike on June 5, 2012
Posted in: Boobs . Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . 7 Comments

The Plot:
Picasso Trigger begins with the assassination of businessman Alejandro Felipe Salazar (John Aprea). Salazar had just shown a painting of a Picasso Triggerfish at a museum in Paris and was killed when leaving. Meanwhile, in Hawaii, Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) are up for an early morning shower and swim. After their swim, and over-looking the view from the beach, their boat is blown up by a small remote control plane packed with explosives. Elsewhere, Travis Abilene (Steve Bond) receives a phone call and is told about Salazar’s assassination. He doesn’t seem too surprised as Salazar’s past is somewhat shady.

Once all the agency employees are gathered and given their dossier’s, it’s off to catch the bad guy, Miguel Ortiz (Rodrigo Obregon). It seems that Ortiz is laying waste to those responsible for the death of his brother and won’t stop until they’re all eliminated. At this point, Travis partners with Pantera (Roberta Vasquez) whom he shared a past with, so naturally they make great partners. This however doesn’t sit well with Donna because her and Travis seem to be entangled in a relationship as well.

Even though the agency employees have their assignments, catching Ortiz is proving more difficult than the group had thought it would be as he evades death several times. They do however catch up with him and trust me when I say this, he gets what he deserves. This however doesn’t end the mayhem as we find that there’s more to this so-called spy story than meets the eye.

The Takeaway:
Like a lot of Andy Sidaris films, Picasso Trigger introduces us to a variety of characters early in the film. In fact, it takes nearly 45-minutes or so before these characters and the sub-plots start to come together. This is par for the course in most Sidaris productions, so I wasn’t overly concerned about the outcome simply because Sidaris always wraps up his stories nicely. What I really enjoyed about Picasso Trigger were the props used to kill the bad guys. You get an RC plane loaded with explosives to explode a boat. An RC car (A Tamiya Grasshopper to be exact) loaded with explosives to flush out the bad guys in Ortiz’s beach-front home. A boomerang loaded with explosives to kill a fast moving thug. And my favorite of the bunch, a crutch disguised as a rocket launcher, that’s right, a rocket launcher. Yeah I know, it sounds ludicrous, and that’s because it is. And that’s exactly why it’s so amusing.

Film Facts:
Picasso Trigger was written and directed by Andy Sidaris. The film was distributed by Malibu Bay Films and was released in 1988. Appearing in Picasso Trigger were seven Playboy Playmates, Dona Speir (March 1984), Hope Marie Carlton (July 1985), Roberta Vasquez (November 1984), Cynthia Brimhall (October 1985), Kym Malin (May 1982), Patty Duffek (May 1984), and Liv Lindeland (January 1971) all of which were cast in key roles. Harold Diamond as Jade (aka Harold Roth) was a well known Kick-boxer in the state of Florida and is credited as the films Martial Arts Choreographer. Diamond also appeared in several other Sidaris productions. The model plane and car creator/operator was Richard Keppel. Keppel worked close with Sidaris as a crew member and special effects artist in Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987), Guns (1990) and Do or Die (1991). The crutch gun designer was Ellen Jones whom also worked on Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987) as the rocket gun designer.

You can find out more about Andy Sidaris and his films at the Andy Sidaris Website run by his beautiful wife, Arlene Sidaris. You can also visit my review of Hard Ticket To Hawaii to learn a little more about Andy Sidaris.

Thoughts In My Head:
– Kym and Pattycakes need to learn a new dance step
– I miss my text pager, NOT!
– Harold Diamond as Jade looks sexy as ever with his braided ponytail
– Pantera’s nipples always seem to be hard
– Donna never disappoints, what a rack!
– Whoever invented spandex outta be shot. Not flattering in the least on man or woman
– OK, that was awesome, a wristwatch that doubles as a lighter
– Taryn never disappoints, what a body!
– Bad guys are always terrible shots
– PANTARA, you bitch!
– I like this movie
– OK, this just got better, move over Rumble in the Bronx, there’s a new hovercraft in town
– Awesome and silly at the same time, a crutch that doubles as a rocket launcher

Favorite Badass or Badass Moment: Salazar, just for being so damned sneaky
Favorite Boobs or Boobs in a Scene: Donna’s shower scene. I love her boobs
Favorite Death Scene: Any thug that gets blown up, and there are a few of them

Boob Count: 6 pair
Body Count: 21

IMDB Rating: 3.8 / 10
My Rating: 5.5 / 10

Final Thoughts: Picasso Trigger is one of my favorite Andy Sidaris films for a couple of different reasons. 1 – the RC toys used as weapons, 2 – the boobs (though the film is light on skin) and 3 – the non-stop action, be it gun-fire or exploding bad guys.